So much struggling –

realising that I need a balance

between reaching out and reaching in.

I need to do some things just for me,

like paint and play,

and read and build sandcastles.

I need to stop

for a long time,

to think about that.

Where did I miss it? Lose it?

For joy is the centre of ministry,

Joy should precede ministry,

nurture it and fulfil it.

But I am so intense about ministry,

and take it so solemnly

(as if I were responsible for it)

that I become weighed down

by its ups and downs,

its disappointments and failures.

I suffocate joy with

seriousness..,..

I imagine everything depends on me –

when everything is God’s business,

and God has already taken care of

all her creation

and all her people,

We are only to walk with each other,

be with each other,

love each other.

God’s is the healing,

the growing

and the fulfilling.

When I lose perspective

and imagine everything,

(or most things)

revolving round myself,

I make myself

a little god,

and lose my joy.

For I was never made

to be a little god – only

to be loved by the Great God.